#1233² ABOUT LOOSING TRUST

This post is not supposed to be anger driven. It may take me some time to put my personal rage aside and focus on an objective standpoint. True, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day we don’t know it better either. But it’s still a post I want to write. No, in fact, it’s a post I have to write.

If you are following this project for a while, you know that I was struggling massively with my health in the past year. I don’t have a doubt that there is a physiological part of the equation where I am the one to blame, I totally agree, but still I lost my confidence in our “health” system. At least from my understanding it’s our bodies that heal themselves. Ok, if a bone is broken you need someone to get the mess aligned once again. But last time I checked there is nothing broken in my body, so it will eventually heal itself. While some things did in fact got better, others stayed the same, or even worse, got worse. Looking at situation today, the only thing that has changed is me. Compared to last year I made a huge progress in my mental health, my work life balance and the awareness of who I am. Nevertheless, I injured myself two weeks ago. I woke up with an issue. I ignored it and kept on doing what I do. Three days later my body told me to stop and have a break. Would I have seen the doctor? No! Why? Because there is no need for it. It will get better over time. I will not die from this. Just do what I can do, icing it every hour or two and give it some time. Well, what can I say. My mother does seem to care a bit more about my body than I do. And so, eventually, after two weeks of ignoring her advice, I went to the doctor to get it checked. It is getting better day by day, what should the doctor even do? Well, the outcome of this appointment was worth the experience after all.

I learned that my problems are not actual problems. My red inflammation isn’t real, my pain isn’t real, my injury/ overdoing it on the simulator isn’t real, in fact, nothing is real. A guy in my age can not have those problems for a year. What a nice thing to say. In other words, if a doctor can not figure out what you have it’s you that causes the problem and nothing else. Again, I am not saying that there isn’t a physiological part of the equation I am responsible for. Simply ask someone who is also working in the automotive engineering service provider business and you will understand how stressful such a job is. Of course there is a lot going on. Of course I have my difficulties in life. But I am who I am. I do what I do. But apparently this is all wrong.

Photo by Savvas Stavrinos on Pexels.com

Well, I got the feedback that my current leg issue should be fine. It’s just in my head after all, which is technically even true. Because pain is just a safety mechanism in our head. But on a more serious note. How am I supposed to see a doctor again who will not look at my current and future issues from a neutral perspective? Why should I go there when I already know that I will not taken serious. There is only one way to go. I have to look for new doctor. Don’t they always say you should get a second opinion? I think it’s about time, don’t you think? Of course I will look into my physiological issues. Not that I am doing this for years already. But there is no need to visit a doctor that doesn’t take you serious.

In the past I was weak and afraid about so many things in life. Today, I know that I am the one in control. I can design my life how I want to have it. And sorry to say, but a long partnership has to end today. I will not go to this doctor again. He did a good job, or at least I always thought that he did. He cared, or at least I thought he did. But today I learned that he isn’t looking at me unbiased. And once this is happening, things get out of hand. Once we think that we are the experts and know exactly what is going on, mistakes are going to be made. And I don’t want to be a part of such a mistake.

Well, it will be difficult to find a new good doctor. But that’s how life is. Difficult? No! Challenging. It’s stepping out of our comfort zone. Jumping into the cold water and start a new adventure. Eventually I will find someone who will look at my problems unbiased and who will give me the support that I need.

Just because you don’t think that something is normal, it doesn’t mean that what other people are doing isn’t normal.

We are who we are. We do what we do. Some people struggle with this, other people struggle with something else. Do I have to change in order to be accepted in the world of normal people? I don’t think so. Life is about doing what you think is the right thing to do.

See you next time!

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