It is over, finally!
What is over? Your little exams? Whats the deal with that?
Well the thing is, that those “little exams” are actually not that little, at least in my eyes. But that’s the reason why I struggle so much.
Perspective is everything. Compared to studying in a dual way, which I did for the bachelor, the regular master course I am attending these days is really nothing to worry about. Instead of having only one chance to rewrite an exam, I have two opportunities, now. Instead of having the exams all pushed together into one single week at the end of the semester, the exams are widespread, allowing to focus on one particular subject at a time. But why did I struggle so much? Why is that such a huge obstacle for me?
Normally I can deal with pressure, at least in an average kind of way, but what I still can’t really deal with is where my endless thoughts are heading towards. This mindset I have allows me to endure everything, but comes with a price. I jump from one conclusion to the other, telling myself how hard it is and what could happen. Sure, you can talk that away, “think yourself clear and free again“, but what stays are two distinct issues I have recognized in the last couple of weeks.
The first one is, that I can of course control my thought process when ever I am actively being in the process, like in every waking hour. But the moment I say goodbye for the night, my mind is back in the old mode. Talking the situation bad, making me feel afraid and letting me know how hard this all will be. Sure, this is not the best thing in the world, but I can somehow live with that. I simply know that my sleep isn’t the best before such exams, therefore I go to bed rather early in order to compensate the sleep problems in the morning. I mean, I am used to getting up very early anyways, so, it is really not an issue for me. I simply ignore the fact, that I should be tired all together and push through. So far so good, that is something I can handle. But the other thing is the one that really has an impact on me.
And that is the unbalance I feel in my body. This is the reason for my nutritional issues, the physical pain and the tension I feel. You can not believe what my body goes through for just one of those little exams. To handle the high stress situation in my mind was getting better and better over time, and sure, the same effect can be seen on this level. But still, there is a long long way to go until I will be satisfied. My body just gets into such an alert state, that this could be defined as panicking. The moment I sit in front of the exams table, waiting for the exam to start, this thing is not a problem anymore. But the hours and days before the exam, that is just a mess. Having not really figured out what causes my issues on normal days with no stress at all, I assume it is a combination of actually a food intolerance for something, but then of course just the psychological component of not knowing what I have, stressing myself into not wanting to have the issues again, and here we are, that is everything it needs to start again.
Sure, I understand it much better these days. I can not prevent it from happening, but I am not so sure if this is really the way to go. I got to a point, where I see this situation in another light. I do not see it as a problem, or something that wants to make me feel bad and weakens my strength, but rather as a constant reminder what life is really about. Years ago, I thought that I need to control that, change that, work against it. But today, I know that this was the wrong approach. My body doesn’t fight against me, but actually wants to tell me something. This can be seen as a luxury. It reminds me to expect nothing, it shows me the beauty in every little thing on this world. For me, even the smallest of things are not common anymore. I have evolved into the next level. So to speak, but with accident, not with pure understanding. Every single day I wake up, I get reminded of what this is. This is a gift! This is a new chance to do something good. To be ones best version. To fight for a better future. To aim for the stars. Problems don’t magically disappear at a certain time in your life. Problems are an essential part of it. But problems are neither hard, nor easy. Problems are just that, problems. We make them hard! Our interpretation is the thing that changes the impact on us. Want to have an example? Let’s assume the stock exchange marked might crash tomorrow. As someone with money in that thing, this problem might actually hit that person rather aggressively in the face, while I do not care about that, because I do not have money on that table. And that changes everything. If you realize the process in your head, you can have an influence on how you will feel.
The goal for me is of course to work on that. Getting myself into such a state of mind, where I truly understand that an exam is just that, an exam. Nothing that will kill me, or hold me back. And in fact, I already know that, but I tend to forget this before such events. My breathing rhythm starts to change, my muscles tension up, my body prepares itself for the impact.
As I can see, there is still a long long way for me to go. But that is the funny thing about life, right? After the challenges, is before the challenges. You always get another chance to show what you are capable of.
See you next time!