Honestly, do these old fairy tales fit into this modern age any longer! Or do you agree, that these young kids do not even understand the meaning of the stories anymore? I guess it is time to update the old and dusty fairy tales! Don’t you agree? Well, whatever! I do it anyways and you can’t stop me!
I was just listening to the radio.
HANSEL AND GRETA
A new interpretation of an old and dusty fairy tale
Once upon a time, there was a family living in a suburban area of one of the biggest cities in the country. They were poor, you know, that’s the reason why they lived there in a very tiny, tiny house! The father, a biologist who failed to study something useful, the mother, ehh, stepmother of course. Which makes her just so much more evil! Ehh, I don’t know? I guess her job wasn’t mentioned, right? Mhh, it was probably irrelevant to the story! Well, I just can’t remember! And then of course the two young kids! Hansel, a weak and passionate Nintendo gameboy fanatic and Greta, a climate activist.
As from the grandmother always predicted, studying biology was the worst thing her son could ever do. Finding no real job in his special field, he worked in a local company from time to time, doing a job he didn’t like. Well, the money was rare, the food as well! Therefore, the evil stepmother created an even more evil plan! “We should take the kids for a walk, tomorrow! Going as deep into the forest as possible and leave them there, forever! MUHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! They will not find a way back! Not those retards!“
But the father, he wasn’t convinced! “These are our kids, for Christs sake! We can not just leave them in the middle of the forest! And of course, the neighbors will figure out that the kids are gone! And what do we say to the teachers at school and the police?!” “Don’t be such a pussy all the time! Come on! This is just a fairy tale! This doesn’t need to be realistic!“
As the parents were arguing loudly, it was hard to even overhear their evil plan. And so Hansel was following the whole conversation standing directly in front of the parents room. Hastily he went back to Greta, telling her about their stepmothers evil plan! “We will die!” Greta tried to shout out loudly, as Hansel shut her mouth with his right hand. “Shut up, stupid girl! They will hear us! They do not need to know that we stay up late watching TV until 1 am in the morning all the time! Don’t you worry! I have a plan! See, I just downloaded the map of this place on my iPhone! Then we can use the GPS signal in case there is no phone service in the forest and easily find the way back home!” “Good idea, Hansel!” Greta replied! “Maybe we are back early, then I can go to the Fridays for future protests tomorrow afternoon!” “Maybe!“
As the next day kicked in, the two siblings, which by the way, needed to share a room, just for the sake of making them sound even poorer! Well, anyways, they woke up by their stepmothers voice! “WAKE UP!!! We have decided to go for a family walk in the forest this morning! We will leave in exactly 10 minutes! GO GO GO!” “But mom! It’s Friday! We need to go to school!” “School? Come on! Why are you such a nerd! I guess it can not harm you to miss today’s class! Just look at your sister! She isn’t going to school on Fridays for the last two years!”
As the family was good to go, Hansel looked back at their home another time! Sure, he had no clue why. But the scene sounds just so much more dramatic now, don’t you agree? As they have reached the deepest spot in the forest, the stepmother suggested to the kids to have some rest. “We will just walk up the steep hill real quick! Just wait here, we will be back in half an hour!” “Ok mum!“, Greta replied. Taking a seat next to Hansel and putting out her phone! “There is no phone service here!” the father replied, but the kids did not even put their eyes off their screens!
“Are they gone?” Greta asks. “Yes, I think so! Let’s go home Greta!” And Hansel opens the downloaded map, switches on the GPS signal and sees their location instantly as a blue dot in the middle of the map on his brand new iPhone. Let’s go this way, he suggested and they both moved on!
“Why did they leave us in the forest? Couldn’t they just drop us somewhere nice?“, Hansel murmured through his imaginary beard he will most likely have one day when he is no longer 7 years old. “What is your problem, idiot! The forest is the greatest place ever! Just breath in the fresh air! And listen to the birds singing!” “The birds? Really!“
As they moved deeper and deeper into the forest, the GPS signal seemed to get weaker and weaker. “Huston, we have a problem! Look! The GPS signal, it’s gone!” In panic they both looked themselves in the eye! “And now!? The witch’s house, or what?” “I guess so! Thank god I downloaded the original Hansel and Gretel fairy tale yesterday!” “And have you read it?“”Do I look like that? Of course not! But I have scrolled through the wikipedia page! The story is so simple, there is not much to worry about anyways!” “You are such an idiot, do you know that?” Greta replied, grabbing his phone and reading the story real quick.
“Ok, I got it! That’s an easy one! We are in the deepest part of the forest already, therefore we will come to the which’s house very soon! Just around this corner, what do you think?” “Well, you have read the story! Not me! Sure, go for it!“
And there it was, of course it did not look as impressive as the fairy tale suggested, but nevertheless, a real house made out of gingerbread! Unbelievable! Breathtaking! Well, not really! As the two kids went closer, they realized how small the cottage actually was. “What!? Why is this so small?” “I guess the production company wanted to save some money! Come on Greta! What do we need to do next?”
“Well, according to this book, we need to eat something from the wall!” “Eat this 100 year old gingerbread!? Is that even gluten-free! Damn it! How am I supposed to google that without the any connection on my phone?” “But look! The story clearly indicates that you need to eat it!” “Well, this is our story! I will just knock at the door!“
Knock Knock! Is there someone in there? HELLO!!! HELLO! SOMEONE AT HOME?
But nothing happened. “God for Christs sake, just eat this fucking gingerbread!!” And Hansel did exactly that. With a face like he needed to taste a 100 year old gingerbread, he carefully put it into his mouth and started to chew. “Tashtes exschaaktttllyyy afsss it lookkkkss!“Hansel replied with his mouth full of dusty years old bread and added. “Whereee isch thadd schtupid WITTCHHH?“
“Knusper knusper knäusschen, wer knuspert an meinem Häuschen?” (Well, I am German, don’t judge me! I have no clue how to say that in English! HAHA! I hope I recollect this from memory correctly!)
“Oh, there she is, right? Just appeared out of nowhere? Couldn’t she appear before I needed to eat this thousand years old bread?” “We are too little kids that have lost their GPS signal and can’t find home!” “Oh no! You poor little kids! Just come into my cottage, it will be warm and comfy in there!“
“Warm and comfy? She wants to eat us alive, this elderly witch!” “Well, we need to follow the script! Otherwise we will never find home!” “Ok, well, you go first!” Hansel replied.
“Have you tasted from my delicious house?” “Well, Sir, ehhm, woman, ehhmm witch, ehhhmmm old lady! Speaking about the house. Is that made from gluten-free gingerbread?” “Gluten free? You are the first kids that have ever asked that! Will you get a shock or something like this, my little boy?” “Ehm, no!“, Hansel started to reply, as Greta pushed her elbow deep into his stomach! “Ehm yes! I mean, I have these food intolerances! It’s really horrible! I can’t deal with lactose, and gluten, and the list goes on and on! Well, the doctors always say that eating me would bring that person the very same dreadful and miserable life! Just saying!“
“Was that too much Greta?” Hansel whispered in Greta’s ear! “Not at all! Just stick to the story and everything will be fine!“
“So, do you want to go into my house, now? Or what?” “Ah, right! Of course! But can we make a selfie real quick? I need something for my instagram account! Right here in front of your gingerbread house would be cool!“
“Ah what?!” The witch tried to ask, but found herself already standing right in between the two smiling siblings, looking in a small object in Greta’s hand, pointing in their direction. Without having any clue what they were doing she just smiled as well…
To be continued!
What a day so far! But well, I guess this is it for today! Sleep well little kids! Tomorrow, we will find out how the story ends.
See you next time!