Sometimes I wonder how I am doing this!? I just go on and on and on. But this can’t be healthy! Am I even supposed to be like this? Is whatever I am doing allowed? God!? Help!? Why me? Why can’t I just do nothing for a day or two! Or is this actually the thing I am supposed to learn? That doing nothing can be a good thing as well? Mhh, at least it’s not really satisfying, is it? How can people actually do that? Don’t they have a blog to write? A sport to practice or a racing simulator?
Why are you meditating? What is your goal? What is your holy grail, you are currently running after? Uff, running? Sounds exhausting! Lets rather go with, seeking? Better? Good!
What’s the thing about meditation that I do not get? I just wanted to get this ice cold secret agent like mindset. Unfuckwithable! But well, where has this lead me towards? Can I control my thoughts? Am I the master of my mind? Well, I guess I am doing something wrong here!
But the thing is of course, that we can always do more! Practice harder, longer, with more intensity! My head, it’s just never really empty. At least not for a while. Sure, sometimes it feels nearly empty. But not for long, that’s for sure!
The thing is, that I need to do it more often! That’s it! That’s just the truth! I do something, sure, but come on! That can’t be it! I work very hard in all those different fields. But there is just this one thing that always gets me. Meditating.
I start, I try, I fail, I try again, I fall asleep.
I will do it after the master thesis, right? NO!!! Are you crazy? What are you doing! There will always come something else! There will come a job! Hopefully! I mean, it really doesn’t look that great these days. It’s just a difficult time for us all! But that’s life, deal with it, right? There are always ups and downs! But the goal is to keep on going! No matter what! But look! I already lost it. My focus was gone and I was just thinking about something else not related to the topic of meditating.
My head, well, it’s all over the place these days. Where will I work? How will work look like? Will I find a good job? Do I need to move somewhere else? Can I stay at home? Do I have a lot of free time after finishing my master? Should I focus on the book next? Should I start my own business? When do I meet my dream girl? There is just so much stuff! Worries, doubts, fears, and all of the things I do not even know where they come from.
Never empty is just what it is. And in fact, it will never be really empty! The goal is not to stop thinking. The goal is to realize that you are thinking and pushing the thoughts away! Sure, we already got that covered! But how does that work? Has someone a clue? Saying “ridiculous” and thinking about something funny? Well, in Hogwarts that’s working, isn’t it? But in our life? How ridiculous to even think like that! But there must be a magical formula, right? A secret! The secret!
Is my head half empty, or half full? Interesting question, isn’t it? Do I become a pessimist, once my head is completely empty? I hope not! That would be awful! But no! My head works like my bank accounts. They are never empty! In fact, it’s getting fuller from day to day. With uncertainty, with the unknown, do I need to go on?
I need to tackle this topic! I need to finally take it more seriously! But you, you should also consider your options. Don’t you think that it would help you? At least a little bit? Well, I am not your mom! So, do whatever you want. But don’t come afterwards and complain that I haven’t told you earlier! Because I did! I cared about you! And I do not even want anything back. Can you believe it? No? I can’t believe it as well! I must be a lousy business man. Don’t you agree?
You know what? It’s time to keep on working on this master thesis again. It will not finish itself from alone.
See you next time!